I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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