I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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