I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
