There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
