did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
