Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize