i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
