Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
