I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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