YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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