Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
