Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize