Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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