i jhust puked up my retainher.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
