6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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