How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
