I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
