Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
