After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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