Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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