Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
