someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I look better un-naked...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
