im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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