Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
