A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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