She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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