you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
