god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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