i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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