ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
