Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
