When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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