fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
