She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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