okay pat passed out under dana's car
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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