Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
