He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
