i was born a porn star she said
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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