Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
