im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
