4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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