my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I can't put those talents on a resume
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
