I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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