Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
