i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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