If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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