Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
