I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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