Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
