just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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