phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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