you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
