Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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