I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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