I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
