Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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