i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
