I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
