the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize