I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
