Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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