i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I need to calm my uterus...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize