Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
