I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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