I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
