The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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