if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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